I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
this just has baby written all over it
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
