He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
