My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
