did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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