my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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