Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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