I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
