I hope mine doesn't look like that
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
