Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
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