omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
