My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
