So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
