Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
