My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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