Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
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