I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
