We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
