I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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