I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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