my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
40s are totally the cure
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
