After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
