i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
