I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
