The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
