i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
