You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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