You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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