Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Randomize
