I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
