there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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