The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
