i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
