I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
