Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
