Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
