worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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