she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
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