i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
