i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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