i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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