I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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