only you would photoshop your dick
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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