I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
