I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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