I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
