It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
