Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
