so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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