I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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