just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
