When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
